


I'll try to stay awake and remember my name

by ukuvio



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - No Band, Angst, Drinking, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad Ending, Strangers to Lovers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 16:38:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19467910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukuvio/pseuds/ukuvio
Summary: “If anybody could’ve saved me... it would’ve been you.”





	I'll try to stay awake and remember my name

**Author's Note:**

> No explanation for this, really. I just had a vague idea and it developed into... this. 
> 
> Possible triggers: there are some mentions of alcoholism, and abuse of prescription drugs. Additionally, there is an implied suicide later on in the story. Please check the tags if you need to.

Tyler opens the door to his apartment, and when it clicks shut behind him, the last piece of his heart plummets. 

His hands are summery and flushed, despite the biting winter chill he just escaped from. The fogged bottle of vodka he clutches doesn’t cool them down either. 

He sheds his coat, removes his shoes, and settles on the couch, muscles stiff and robotic. 

His roommate emerges from behind him, and the hand he places on Tyler’s shoulder made him jump. 

“Hey, dude.” Mark smiles easy. “Good?”

Tyler gulps. His throat feels dry. “Yeah.”

“How are things with Josh?” He tilts his head to the side. “Haven’t seen him around here in a couple of months.”

“It’s complicated.” His mumbled reply is drowned out by his racing thoughts. 

“Shit, man.” Mark gives a small laugh and it resides like a razor lodged in his chest. “Well, anyway, I’m heading out, and I take it you’re not going to be tagging along, right?” He gestures to the bottle in Tyler’s hands. “You’ll be okay by yourself?”

“Of course.” Tyler understands. 

“Sweet.” Mark clicks his tongue, and grabs his keys from the counter. The screech it makes causes Tyler to wince. 

“Don’t call the police if I’m not back by morning.” He smiles. “See you soon, Ty.”

Tyler nods, and then Mark is gone. 

The silence in the apartment makes the tears come too quick. 

Tyler doesn’t even bother trying to wipe them off while he’s looking for a corkscrew to open the bottle. He eventually finds one, and tries to pull the cork out of the bottle, but it doesn’t budge. 

He tries again. 

Once. 

Twice. 

Three fucking times. 

He ends up throwing the corkscrew down against the counter, watching it skitter a bit before hitting the floor. His chest is heaving for no reason, but his lungs squeeze like there’s no oxygen in them. 

He covers his mouth so he doesn’t scream. 

His teeth sink into the flesh of his knuckles, and he shudders as the first sob escapes his throat. 

***

_(3 years ago)_

Tyler met the love of his life on one random winter day. 

There was a tiny café huddled between huge city buildings and towering skyscrapers. Everything around it was washed out under the overcast sky, fighting against the drizzle and hundreds of people rushed. 

The half a dozen customers looked up as the door swung open, and Tyler walked, accompanied by a blast of icy wind. 

It was early and the machines were yet to warm, so Tyler took the chance to rest for a little, to absorb the atmosphere of this place he loved.

The new barista that approached him had sunken eyes, but there was a small glimmer as their eyes met that drew Tyler in. The man fiddled with a prominent necklace that had a small cross on it, as he greeted Tyler. 

He asked for his usual black coffee with cream, going on and on about the specifics, before apologizing amid his own tired smile. "Sorry, I just feel like being a bit of an asshole today."

He’d never been that good of a flirt. 

Tyler saw the barista’s spark glow a little brighter, and the tiniest bit of joy appeared in his eyes. "That's alright. Be an asshole."

Tyler laughed unexpectedly, and yeah, he was feeling a bit better too. "Thanks for indulging my asshole-itude. I needed that."

“No problem.” The barista laughed, and Tyler could swear that his heart skipped a beat. “I’ll be back with your coffee in a bit.”

Tyler gave him a small smile as he walked away, and when the man returned he handed Tyler the cup and a napkin with a wink. On the back of the napkin, there was some scribbled writing in thick sharpie.

_you’re a hopeless romantic_

_973-0652_

_-Josh_

Tyler started coming to that cafe everyday. 

***

Only having known each other for a month, they were already inseparable. 

Josh stayed over a couple times a week, and they just hung out, watching movies and laughing uncontrollably. 

One night, late on Valentine’s Day, they were watching Fight Club for the first time. 

Josh’s eyes were trained on the screen, so when he spoke, it startled Tyler. 

“Do you think I should dye my hair?”

Tyler couldn’t take his eyes off him. “Whatever you wanna do, dude.”

“I’m thinking about going pink. Or maybe blond.” 

“You’d look so hot.” Tyler closed the distance between them on the couch, laying his head on Josh’s shoulder. 

“Yeah?”

“Yep.”

“That’s gay.” Josh’s nose wrinkled playfully. 

“Good.”

Josh giggled a bit, his eyes squinty. 

The atmosphere changed when their eyes met again, and Tyler couldn’t count the seconds before lips were suddenly on his. 

Josh’s hands rested on Tyler’s neck and he rubbed his thumb along his jaw, and Tyler was breathless with the way Josh’s tongue seemed to disappear inside his mouth, as if he needed a part of him to breathe.

The kiss was almost chaste. 

No groping, no moaning, no biting or smashing of lips; just the most overwhelming, captivating, careful kiss in the world. 

Afterward, they stared at each other for a second, and then Tyler moved back, heart soaring dizzily. 

Josh stood first, hands in his hair. 

“No, _shit,_ ” He exhaled heavily. “ _Fucking hell,_ Tyler, what did you do?”

“What did _I_ do?” Tyler scoffed. “You kissed me.”

“I didn- I didn’t fucking kiss you! I’m not gay.” Josh was breathing all weird. “I'm not gay, I'm not fucking gay, it’s a sin, I can’t go to hell, I’m not-”

“Calm the fuck down.” Tyler latched onto his shoulders. “Okay, look- fucking look at me.”

The eyes that looked back were filled to the brim with abject contrition and longing. 

“You don’t have to be gay to like men, Josh.” 

“I have a girlfriend.” Josh huffed. “I’m cheating on her- that’s a sin too-”

“Break up with her.” Tyler dragged his thumb across the other’s lips. “If that felt half as good for you as it did for me, you’d do it.” 

They seized each other by the shoulders, Tyler’s hands fisting the man’s shirt, curses falling from their mouths as their bodies collided. Their mouths came together, hard, Josh’s teeth bringing blood, and they pressed their chests and legs together, until they pulled apart to breathe.

Josh lifted Tyler, his legs around his waist, as they retreated to the bedroom. 

His hands moved up and down the length of Josh’s back, the need to touch every part of him was consuming. His heart thrummed in his chest, and though his back collided with the bed and he was no longer standing, he felt his knees growing weak. 

They had sex that night. 

The slide of the bedsheets and the creaking of the headboard accompanied their desperate ardency. 

It was slow and gentle, and full of regret. 

***

The day after, they didn’t talk about it. 

More specifically, Tyler awoke to an empty bed and note written on a stray piece of paper. 

_I'm sorry ty but i can't do this. we’ve only known each other a month and last night was a mistake. i'm quitting working at the cafe so don't even bother coming by. i feel something for you and this can’t keep happening. you're dragging me into your sin, and I can't be around you anymore. it was fun knowing you as a friend._

_-J_

Tyler didn't even bother getting out of bed that day.

***

It was midnight, three months later, when Tyler received a phone call. 

He groaned as his ringtone went off, but made no attempt to reach for until his phone began to ring again _._

He picked it up without even glancing at the caller ID. 

“Hel-” He coughed. “Hello?”

_“Tyler, I need-”_

“Josh?”

_“Yeah. I-”_

“You haven’t spoken to me in ages, and you call me up at midnight asking for shit? How dare you?”

“ _Look, Tyler.”_ Josh’s voice shook. _“I don’t think I can put into words how fucking sorry I am. Everyday, from that last day we were together, I swear to god, I missed you. You were all I could think about. Just- know that I’m sorry, I don't expect you to forgive me.”_

“Fucking-” Tyler sighed, fists clenched. “You fucked me then you left and I didn’t hear shit from you. You expect us to just bounce back from that? I can’t fucking believe you, Josh-”

_“I just- can we deal with this later? I just really need someone right now.”_

That was when Tyler noticed the tremble in his voice. “Josh, what’s- what’s wrong?”

_“I just- it’s a bad night. My thoughts are just killing me. I just have this feeling that I’m not doing enough, and with the fact that I don’t have the energy to do much of anything, it just really fucking sucks. It just feels like everything’s so far away, and no one even gives a damn about me, and-”_

“Oh, come on, Josh. You know there are people who care about you. What about your girlfriend?”

 _“Debby?”_ Josh laughed, sniffling quietly. _“She hates me right now, and I don’t even know what the fuck I did. She said she’s staying at her parents’ for a little bit.”_ A sob echoed through the phone _. “I think we’re broken up, or at least on a break. There is so much hurt inside of me and I have no idea how to control it anymore. I can’t fucking keep a simple fucking relationship, everyone gets sick of me eventually. I loved her- I love her so much. I just keep messing shit up, and I just can’t take living with myself anymore-”_

“Josh,” Tyler spoke slowly. “Where are you right now?”

_“Doesn’t matter.”_

“Josh.”

“Sitting in my car. I’m outside your flat.”

“Stay there. I’ll be out in ten seconds.” Tyler hopped out of bed, already at the front door. “Count for me.”

When Josh reached seven, Tyler was already knocking on his car’s window. 

It took all of two seconds before Tyler’s arms were wrapped around him, cradling his head in his chest. He held Josh tightly against himself, cooing to him as he began to cry again. 

Tyler walked them both back up to the apartment. 

“Have you eaten today?” He asked. 

Josh gave no reply other than slightly shaking his head.

“Okay.” Tyler pecked him on the forehead. “I have some leftover takeout in the fridge, alright? We can eat, and then we can chat for a bit.”

They talked for the whole night.

***

It was a little more than a year after they’d met when they had their first big fight. 

Tyler was lying on Josh’s chest on the couch, watching some stupid show, when things started. 

“I see us having a future together,” He took a swig from the fourth beer bottle he was nursing, making his words come out a bit slurred and muffled. “I don’t know if it’s in hell though.”

“You’re still on that Catholic guilt shit?” Tyler didn’t know if he meant what he was saying. “We’ve been fucking for a year now.”

“And I ask for forgiveness every time.” Josh pushed Tyler off him to stand up. “I don’t deserve to go to heaven anyway. I sin, as everyone does, I repent, and I just sin again. Worldly temptation is too great, and I could beg for forgiveness a million times over, but I know I’ll sin again.”

“Do you hear yourself? You sound-”

“I know you’re not religious, Tyler, but I am. Respect that.” 

Tyler snapped. “I have no fucking problem with your religion, Josh, pray to whatever the fuck you’d like. It doesn’t concern me. But I don't see how we can have sex almost every night while your girlfriend's back home-”

“Don’t bring Debby into this.”

“-and then you turn this around on me and say that us being together is a sin!”

“It’s not-”

“Am I just sex to you? Just someone you can string along and fuck whenever you’d like? Will Debby not take it up the ass? Fucking-”

“No, Ty-”

“Cursing is a sin, holding grudges is too, lying is a sin, so is effeminacy. Fornication, envying others; they’re all fucking sins. What makes this any different if you can break those others without batting an eye? Even fucking sex without love is a sin-”

“I love you.”

Tyler took a breath. “You don’t fucking love me. Don't you-”

“I do. I swear. I love you. Don’t you feel the same?”

“You’re lying.” Tyler took a step back, but Josh’s hand was suddenly around his wrist. “Let me go- what the hell, let me go!”

“You don’t feel the same?” Josh’s voice dropped. “I sacrifice so much for you in this relationship and you can't even love me back? How can you be so selfish, Tyler?”

"I'm... I'm not selfish."

"Sure." Josh rolled his eyes, taking a step too close. "I pay your fucking bills-"

"That's only till I find a job again."

"I cheat on my girlfriend for you, and I spend all my free time with you and you can't even say three simple words back?"

His piss breath was right against Tyler's nose, flooding his brain as he struggled against the urge to shove Josh out of his space.

"I... Josh, I can't-"

A hand collided with his face and he fell with the force of it. 

His jaw stung as tears beaded in his eyes. 

"Fucking say it." Josh towered over him.

"I love you too." Tyler didn't hesitate this time. 

He didn't know if he meant it.

***

When Josh was sober again and saw the red mark on Tyler's cheek, he apologized profusely.

He spent the whole day practically on his knees, offering money, sex, anything just so Tyler wouldn't leave him. Tyler wouldn't look at him at first and ordered Josh out of the house, but eventually the hundreds of apologies got to him. 

He begged and pleaded with Tyler for forgiveness, claiming that alcohol had gotten the better of him and that it would never happen again.

Stupidly, Tyler believed him.

Even though he received strange looks for the flowering bruise on his face, he held Josh's hand proudly because relationships were built on the ability of each partner to admit their own wrongdoings.

Everyone made mistakes, this was no different.

Right?

***

Every time they went out to any place with an ounce of alcohol, Tyler regretted it. 

Josh would drink whiskey and diet coke until he slumped on the table and Tyler had to carry him out of the building. 

Nine times out of ten, he would puke in the alley by the bar.

***

The day Mark moved in, Josh was staying over.

His arms were snaked around Tyler's waist, and Josh was peppering his neck in kisses, making him giggle. 

The night Josh slapped him was completely forgotten. At least, Tyler wanted it to be.

Because in this moment he just felt so loved and appreciated as Josh hummed against his neck and whispered soft compliments into his ear. Josh's gentle hand laced with his own, it reminded him of the man he'd been with for almost years now.

Eventually, once Josh had left for an interview, Tyler got tired of watching Mark struggle to lug around boxes and bins, and decided to go help him.

His new roommate was a friend of a friend, someone he had only met once or twice. But money was tight, since Josh was briefly out of a job. 

They spent the whole day unpacking and organizing and getting Mark acquainted with the space, while also getting to know one another.

Mark was Tyler's age, 25, and a software engineer just outside Columbus. He'd moved there to get better opportunities, and to escape from an overbearing and a jackass of a boss.

Tyler ended the day splitting a six-pack of beer with the man, and traded stories about college life and young adult sorrows, and the platonic connection was instant. 

They were laughing some stupid pun Mark had made when the door opened, and keys were thrown down on the counter.

The manner in which the keys were slammed down caused all of the color to drain from Tyler's face.

He grabbed onto a desk to maintain his balance. 

"Hey dude," Mark's eyebrows furrowed. "Are you okay?"

"You... you need to leave. Now." His voice came out in whispers. "Just find somewhere to be for the next half hour."

Luckily, Mark wasn't the dumbass he played himself off to be, and patted Tyler on the shoulder before turning to the door.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"Hopefully." Tyler huffed to himself. 

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Tyler-"

"It’s nothing." He cleared his throat. "I'll give you a call when you can come back."

Mark said nothing more as he left. The moment he went, Josh was upon him.

"What did you do with him?"

The accusatory tone was something Tyler was used to.

"I helped him move boxes. And set up his room. You know, that kind of stuff."

"So you were in his room?"

Tyler sighed.

“Yes.”

“Did you kiss him? Suck his dick?” Josh snarled, invading his space. 

“No. I didn’t.”

“You better not be lying to me.”

“I’m not your fucking child, Josh!” Tyler challenged. “You can’t boss me around and check up on every fucking thing I do! I'm a grown man. If you want someone to tell what to do, go back home to Debby.”

There was no heat in his voice, and his heart beat steadily, even though he’d dangerously chosen to talk back. 

Josh’s face darkened, and Tyler knew he’d made a mistake. 

Josh threw his body weight behind the fist that edged closer to Tyler’s face, and it hit his jaw with such force that blood pooled into his mouth. 

Pain erupted from the point of impact. 

With his own two hands, Tyler retaliated, and he grasped the other’s head in his hands and brought his knee cap up to Josh’s nose, and there was a blunt crack as pungent blood leaked from both his nostrils and twisted his nose right. 

Josh gave a small smirk before drawing his fist back and crashing it into Tyler’s stomach, smashing his guts together and mashing his insides. 

Tyler repaid this by punching Josh’s jaw, the force of it draining his body weight. He continued rewinding his fist and letting it fall until the other fell to the floor.

Josh’s chest gently rose and sank with each shallow breath, unconscious.

Tyler ran.

He bolted out of the flat, jamming earbuds into his ears, ignoring his blood-slicked fingers. 

He ran until his feet stung from the impact, and his throat burned from the lack of oxygen, and the desire to breathe swallowed him whole. 

He felt free, for the first time in a while. 

***

Tyler returned home the next morning, to find an empty apartment. 

Or, so he thought. 

The door clicked shut behind him, and within two seconds, hands were upon him, touching his face with a gentle urgentness. 

“Tyler! What the fuck happened?” Mark’s voice was frantic. “You look like you were run over.”

Tyler found no energy left in him to respond. 

“Tyler?”

“...‘m fine.” He slurred. 

“No, you’re obviously not.” Mark gripped his shoulders. “Look, I’m not working today because of the move and whatever and you apparently need help with whatever you’re going through. How about I’ll help you clean up, and we’ll go out for drinks after?”

Tyler didn’t think his answer really mattered. 

***

The bar was filled with hundreds of booming voices, the uproarious laughter competing with the classical rock music that dominated the atmosphere. The crowd was mostly young students from the local university celebrating the end of classes for the semester.

Huddled up, close to the bar, were the older folks, and those too tired to pretend to be outwardly happy. 

Tyler nursed a warm bottle of _something_ as Mark spoke softly about the struggles of adjusting to a new city. Ordinarly, the noise would’ve just irritated him, but instead it filled his mind and tranquilized his racing regrets. 

“Dude, I’ve gotta ask,” Mark beckoned the bartender for another drink. “Where’d you get those bruises from?”

Tyler shrugged. 

“You… Josh didn’t do that to you, right?”

He rubbed at his eyes before standing. “Gotta piss.”

The bathroom, when he finally found it, was as he'd expected, functional and without any unnecessary comforts.

He relieved himself, and as he washed his hands, he looked at himself in the mirror for the first time since he’d hit Josh. Mark had done a pretty decent job patching him up and bandaging where necessary, but the evidence of their anger was still visible all over his face. 

There was a bruise that began as a purple stain above his eyebrow, and then sank into the socket itself, looking like a black eye. When he hiked up his shirt, it revealed purple welts scattered across his abdomen like a disease. It hurt to breathe and he wondered if some ribs were cracked.

Then the door opened. 

Tyler barely had a second to blink before he was being pushed into one of the small, rickety stalls. 

The man who met his eyes didn’t look much better himself. 

“What in the hell, Josh? It hasn’t even been a full day and I have to see your stupid ass again. How’d you even find me?”

“Followed you.” Josh mumbled, voice coming out nasally due to the brace around his broken nose. 

Tyler’s fist hurt. 

Suddenly, Josh’s chest was pressed against his, and the air promptly left Tyler’s lungs. 

Josh dragged his lips up the skin of his neck and gently nipped at his ear lobe, sipping on the soft flesh. 

He couldn’t believe his ears, and he tried to speak, but his voice barely came. “You followed me? What- d-do you stalk me or some shit?”

His warm breath, smelling of cinnamon whisky, stroked Tyler’s cheek and ear. A rousing shiver coursed over him, the wounds on his face and fist became only a minor sting. Then Josh’s lips, those succulent lips, grazed his jaw and the soft spot behind his ear, and the hairs of his five o’clock shadow brushed his sensitive skin. 

Tyler’s shuddering locked his muscles tight. A burst of tormenting heat spread through his center.

Josh finally hummed in assent and dropped down to his knees, fiddling with Tyler’s belt and fly. 

“Josh,” His breath caught in his throat once again. “What are you doing?”

“Apologizing.” Josh breathed quietly, running his palms over Tyler’s thighs. 

And before Tyler could respond with some snarky quip, the other wrapped his lips around the head of his dick, effectively cutting off all blood flow to his brain. 

Tyler tried to forget that the hardest he ever came was down Josh’s throat. 

***

That night, Tyler called home to tell his family that he was in love. 

***

As soon as the two of them had made up and their respective wounds had healed, Mark sat Tyler down on the couch for a good talking-to. 

“Tyler, I know it’s not my place-”

“Damn straight.”

“ _-but_ I think you need an outsider perspective on this relationship you have with Josh.”

“There’s nothing _wrong_ with our relationship, Mark, it’s just that we’ve both made mistakes along the way. He’s my first boyfriend, y’know, and we’re happy. How long have _you_ known the guy? 3 months? Unless you’re bothered by the fact that I like dick, then you shouldn’t have a problem with us.”

“First of all,” Mark sighed. “You know I don’t care _who_ you have sex with, as long as it’s consensual and they’re of age, it’s none of my business. But Tyler, you know I just want the best for you, right? And the way you two treat each other- it’s not healthy.”

“Step off.” Tyler scoffed. 

“I’m being serious, Tyler. He bruised your ribs! You broke his nose! He treats you like shit and blames you for everything! Not even to mention that he claims he doesn’t like men, goes home to and lies to his girlfriend, and still says that he loves you. This relationship is gonna end with one of you dead, or me, since it’s killing me to watch this. Either break up with him, or work this shit out.”

***

“Josh, we need to talk.”

They were sitting in the kitchen of Tyler’s flat the week after he and Mark had spoken.

Josh was drinking whisky straight from the bottle and browsing social media on his phone, while Tyler was dicking around on single player Mario Kart. 

When Tyler spoke, Josh quickly met his eyes. 

“You’re not breaking up with me, are you?”

“No.” He sighed. “Josh, there are just some things fundamentally wrong with the way we treat each other.”

“Okay. I’m listening.”

Tyler was a little taken aback, but still spoke nonetheless. “I think from here on out, we can’t hit each other. None of that shit. We’re equal.”

“Noted. And, again, I’m so fucking sorry I ever laid a hand on you in the first place; it was fucked up and I regret it everyday, Tyler. I look at the scars on your face, or my crooked nose, and it just reminds me of how much I’ve failed as your boyfriend. I have a lot of issues… that I’ve been working on, since Debby finally convinced me to see a therapist. I think was why I took it out on you, but that’s no excuse. I’ll be better, I promise. We’re partners in this relationship, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel less than me, or afraid of me.”

Tyler’s ears were ringing. “Yeah… uh, yeah.” He nodded. “That’s all I really wanted to talk about, but I didn’t expect it to go so… well. Thanks for listening, I guess. But, there’s one other thing.”

“Yeah?”

“When are you gonna break up with her?”

Josh laughed, but it came out more as a sigh. “Soon. I promise. Quote me.”

Josh smiled, and Tyler finally found it within himself to reciprocate. 

***

Tyler watched as Josh slammed the beer he was drinking onto the table, and placed his head in his hands. 

They were eating dinner at some bar/diner mix, while Josh talked a little about his childhood, at Tyler’s request. 

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, Ty. I just… haven’t thought about that in a while.”

“Is okay if I ask about it? I mean… you don’t have to talk about it if you don't want.”

“Of course, it might be good if I, uh, talk about it.” Josh took a breath. “I grew up in a super religious household- like I’m talking, memorizing the pentateuch and regurgitating verses on command. I also, unsurprisingly, went to a private Catholic school, with pretentious pressed uniforms and shit. I spent my life, from when I was born to when I was about 7, just taking whatever my parents said. I didn’t know better.”

“Oh.” Tyler couldn’t find anything to say. 

“Yeah, it was something.” He sighed. “When I was a bit older, I remember one time I questioned something the Bible said, something I didn’t agree with. I can’t even remember what it was. But apparently something so egregious that, as soon as I said, I _saw_ the color drain from my parents’ faces. I spent four hours in the basement because of that, kneeling before a cross, with no food or water. I… I didn’t understand why what I did was so bad.”

Tyler laced their fingers. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. You don’t deserve the half of that.”

“I’ve heard.” He rolled his eyes half heartedly, taking another sip. “My mom used to hit me too, hard enough to leave a lasting mark. Everyone I knew condoned it because to dishonor your mother or father by talking back or forgetting to do chores apparently warranted gashes and bruises. If it was my dad… maybe I would’ve hit back, especially as a teenager… but I felt like utter shit whenever I even considered that option. My dad feared for me, and thought if I kept on my path, I would go to hell. So, he kept putting me in the basement for longer periods of time.” He chuckled a bit. “When I was sixteen, I’d finally had enough, and I ran away.”

Tyler reached across the table to wrestle the bottle out of the other’s hand, as he absentmindedly rambled. 

“I lived on the street for a while, with friends, stuff like that. I started drinking and sleeping around and getting into fights almost as if to spite the God I’d been forced to follow for my whole life. Even though I felt powerful and on top of the world everytime I did these things… I was just using it to cope with the fear that had been ingrained in me of Him. I even _still_ have a drinking problem. I think I’m still very ex-catholic, but I’m still racked with guilt over every sin and always waiting for divine punishment. I still practice lent too.”

“Josh…” Tyler gulped, averting his gaze. “I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s fine, you don't have to say anything. I’m done talking.” His eyes were glazed over. 

“J-”

“How about we order? I’ve heard the steak looks good.”

***

They were at Tyler’s family’s house for dinner one night. 

They’d finished eating a long while ago, and Josh (after winning the Joseph’s hearts) had helped clean up and wash the dishes. 

Now, they were drinking and laughing and standing around, and Josh was not letting up on charming the pants off Tyler’s parents. 

And not to mention, he looked absolutely fucking gorgeous.

The man wore a tight black pullover, which only served to accentuate the muscles on his chest and arms, and black trousers. 

His dark brown hair had become tousled over the course of the night, and he ran his hands through it every time he laughed. His usually playful smile had drawn had been etched permanently across his face, as he sipped at the cherry wine his hand. 

Tyler sighed. 

It ached to see Josh smile.

Tyler wanted it to be directed towards him. Because of him. He wanted to bring Josh joy, be the source of his happiness. But, for whatever reason, trying his best to be there for the man wasn’t enough, if Josh still found the desire to go back home to Debby every night.

Josh had been trying so hard as of late to do better, to work hard at controlling his violent impulses, to deal with the overwhelming amount of guilt ingrained in him. He truly fought for every step, even if it wasn’t always in the right direction. 

Josh had wanted to fly, and now he was soaring.

But Tyler was afraid. 

He was so afraid that Josh would crash, and that he would have to watch it happen.

Because, if Tyler failed at helping Josh through his mental struggles, then there was no reason to keep him around. 

Right? 

Sometimes it became a source of guilt; he’d never been heartbroken before. 

And so, because of that, Tyler wanted to be there. He wanted to hold his hand. To dry his tears. To share the pain and anger Josh kept hidden. 

A fit of laughter broke out in the kitchen, grounding Tyler and bringing him out of his head. Although everyone around him was enjoying themselves, he couldn’t find it in himself to even smile. 

Josh noticed.

His gaze slid to the side, catching Tyler’s.

Suddenly, Tyler was being pulled against his chest. He let out a tiny gasp and squirmed uncomfortably. Josh held him nonetheless, until he found the courage to meet the man’s eyes. Tyler’s face heated under the gaze of the older man. 

His strong hands, rough and calloused, held Tyler’s as he stared deep into his eyes. Josh’s body was warm and toned as he hugged Tyler, comforting to the touch. His voice was deep, with a serious tone. Josh’s lips brushed his ear as he spoke.

"I really do love you."

Tyler’s heart clenched.

***

“You can’t fix him!”

“Fuck off, Mark!”

***

Two months after the dinner party, Tyler found himself in the waiting room of his local hospital. 

He’d found Josh splayed out in the middle of his own kitchen, surrounded by putrid vomit and shards of broken glass. 

The room stank of alcohol and sweat, but Josh lay in the midst of it, blue-faced and motionless. And, in the half-light, he looked like the shadow he’d become. 

Now, five hours later, Tyler was gnawing on his fingers, awaiting the OK from any doctor. 

Alcohol poisoning. 

Josh had fallen, hard. 

And Tyler wasn’t sure he was strong enough to help him up again. 

***

The next day, after Josh’s stomach had been pumped, Tyler visited his room. 

Josh was asleep when he arrived, so he sat in the hard plastic chair beside his bed until he woke up. 

When he finally did, and saw Tyler, he broke down. 

Josh cried as if his brain was being shredded from the inside. Pain flowed out every pore, and from his mouth came a cry so raw that even Tyler’s eyes were suddenly wet with tears. He cried like there was too much raw pain inside of him to be contained by his skin. 

Tyler’s soothing words made no difference at all. 

“I'm sorry.” He heaved, breathless. 

“J, there’s nothing to be-”

“I didn’t mean to, Tyler! I swear, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize again, okay?” Tyler paused to wipe the tears off Josh’s face with his thumb. “You drank too much too quickly, that’s all that happened.”

Josh scoffed, settling back into the bed, rubbing at his eyes. “I need a drink.”

“Wh- are you fucking with me?”

“No. Bad joke, but that’s honestly how… I’ve been feeling lately.”

“Like- what?”

“I… I’m tired a-and confused and I wanna drink until I puke straight liquor.” He sniffed. 

“Oh.” Tyler bit his lower lip. “So that’s why you were binge drinking?”

“Depression’s a bitch.” 

“Tell me about it.” Tyler allowed himself to laugh a little. “But that’s not healthy. I'm pretty sure you know that though.”

“Yep.” He popped the ‘p’.

“But you still drink? It doesn’t solve shit, so why not just… get clean?”

“It’s hard sometimes when you feel so fucking unwanted.”

“We could get you on meds? Like anti-depressants or-”

“I don't take meds because I don’t think I deserve happiness.”

“I'm here. And I love you. You know that.”

“I love you too. I know you’re there for me… but I’m unfixable and just all around shitty. You deserve someone so much better than I could ever be. Someone who won’t cheat, or lie, or hit you, or who has so much fucking baggage. You and Debby both deserve more than a piece of shit like me.”

Tyler cringed at the mention of the girl’s name. “Josh-”

“I’m sorry for the pain I caused you.” He sighed, but it sounded more like a sob. “I’m trying so hard to be a better person, but I just fuck everything up. I just mess everything up, and I can't maintain a simple fucking relationship. I'm just not good enough. Not good enough. I’m never fucking good enough.”

“Breathe, alright? You’re getting yourself worked up.” 

He coughed. “I’m going to hurt you.” Their hands laced together. “If we stay together while… I’m depressed, I’m going to end up hurting you in some way, shape, or form.”

“So you… you’re asking for a break?”

“No, more like I’m asking for some space. I have plans to break it off with my girlfriend this week, but afterwards I just wanna take some time for myself. Because I need to make myself miles better, before I can even think about having you. I’ve fucked up this relationship so bad, but I swear, I want to make this work with you. Can you- will you wait for me?”

“Yeah.” Tyler didn’t hesitate. “You don’t even have to fucking ask.”

“I wish I could just fix all of my problems and just live a normal life”

Tyler looked at him. “There’s no finish line.''

“Yeah,” Josh chuckled. “Maybe not.”

***

Tyler couldn’t find the energy to get out of bed. 

Josh wasn’t with him, so he didn’t see the point. 

He glanced at the picture on his phone of the last date they had. 

Josh was smiling. Tyler was too. 

They got free popcorn that time from the theater, and it was the only date Tyler had ever actually seen him have fun. 

He briskly wiped the tears from his eyes, the memory still fresh in his mind. 

Tyler wished that Josh was there to comfort him.

***

Tyler was still moping around when his started to ring. 

It’d been about three weeks since he had been giving Josh some ‘space.’

Seeing that the caller was Josh made him jump to answer. 

“Hello?”

_“Hey.”_

Something in the way Josh responded caused Tyler to sit up off the bed.

“What’s… what’s up?”

 _“I’m… I’m trying to watch TV but I can’t focus.”_ He slurred. _“I want to sleep but I can’t. I’m so tired of being alone.”_

“You’re not-”

_“My head hurts from crying but if I take anything, I’m scared I won’t stop.”_

Tyler slid on his shoes, and left his flat. 

Josh lived on the other side of town. It didn’t matter. 

“J, can you hear me? I need you to answer one question. Just one. Okay?”

A muffled sound came through the phone, but he took it as a yes. 

“Have you taken anything?”

_“Just xanax.”_

“Have you been drinking?”

 _“A little. I think I’m going to die.”_ Josh laughed, but Tyler would’ve rather heard nails on a chalkboard. _“I don’t think I wanna.”_

As soon as he sat in the driver’s seat, he shot two brief messages to 911, hoping that they would go through. The first contained Josh’s address and apartment number, and the second, he hoped conveyed the direness of the situation. 

_unknown: possible suicide/od in progress atlocation. need ambulance/police. can’t text rn. please hurry_

Tyler put his phone on speaker as he began to drive. 

_“I’m so cold, please do something.”_

“Josh?”

_“It hurts so much. Please do something.”_

“I need you to stay with me, Josh. Stay awake.” Tyler gripped the steering wheel tighter. “Please.”

 _“Ty?”_ His voice was _so_ quiet. _“I love you so much. You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”_

“I know you love me, baby. I love you too.” He bit his lip. “Breathe, alright? Focus on my voice.”

 _“Okay.”_ A sob echoed through the speakers. _“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I don’t want this anymore. I want to throw it up. I don’t want to die anymore. I want to be with you. Live with you. I’m sorry. I love you. It’s so cold.”_

Tyler blew through the last red light before Josh’s apartment. 

“Just a bit longer. I’m about to park and-”

 _“I can’t keep ruining your life.”_ Tyler could hear the smile in his voice. _“I don't think two people could’ve been happier than we’ve been. If-”_

“Stop talking like that.” Tyler didn’t like the waver in his own voice. “I’m starting to climb the stairs right now. Give me two minutes, tops. You can still make it. The police are on their way. Please, I’m begging you, keep fighting.”

Tyler crashed onto Josh’s floor, sprinting up to his door. He heard Josh speak as he placed his hand on the ajar door. 

_“If anybody could’ve saved me... it would’ve been you.”_

***

_(Present day)_

Tyler’s vision blurs as he comes to. 

His consciousness floats through an empty space filled with a thick static, and his heartbeat pounds loudly, filling his ears. 

He downs half the bottle of vodka once he finds the corkscrew, and simply walks out the apartment. 

He doesn’t put on his coat again, but just slips out of his house with nothing more than a hoodie. 

He wants to be cold. 

He stops by a florist, which is surprisingly still open at midnight, and walks up to the front to ask for three roses. 

Three. 

The man, obviously a little upset at the late hour, smiles nonetheless at Tyler as he hands him the flowers, wrapped beautifully. 

“Late Valentine’s Day gift?” The man asks, as Tyler pays. 

“Something like that.” He mumbles. 

The man laughs, and oh, how Tyler wishes he knew.

He walks out, and it begins to snow. 

He hums to himself as he continues to walk, hugging the roses to his chest, shivering. 

He had known for ages that to love meant to risk great pain, so he had pursued superficial relationships and one night stands until he met Josh. 

And then he was lost.

That was three years ago, today.

And now he stands at Josh’s lonely grave with regrets and self-loathing. 

The tears fall as fast as the flurries around him, and he heaves to draw breath. 

There was no cure for this pain. 

He will never want anyone else. 

Tyler cries as if the intensity of it can change the past. 

He falls to his knees, dropping the roses onto the soggy soil in front of him. 

He smiles. 

“Happy anniversary, baby.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. 
> 
> It's been a while since I've posted on here due to personal issues (school, etc.) but I'm definitely happy to be back. I'm going to try to post more and I'll see where it goes from here. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed.


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